Wednesday, 18 July 2018

How to Be Your Own Hero When Others Try to Bring You Down

I'd like to share 3 specific key strategies that will help you easily create boundaries so you can keep your mental and emotional peace. The ABC's that are easy to remember so you can go from victim to empowered.

My name is Chantelle Neufeld, I'm Hypnotherapist from Canada. My purpose in life is to help people feel better emotionally. I help people get rid of their inner bully and heal from trauma.

I am the oldest of 10 children, raised in a religious cult, in a strict controlling home. I was told what to believe, how to be, and was not allowed to make choices. I was controlled through fear, guilt and other manipulation.

When I was 14 years old I was labeled as rebellious and sent away from my home in Canada, to a girls boarding school in the States that was run by the homeschool cult I was raised in. I felt very rejected by my parents.

I've lived too many years feeling not good enough, with labels others gave me stuck in the back of my mind, holding me back from the life I wanted. I spent too much of my life in a box, but I discovered, the box was an illusion.

Your story may be different from mine but what we may have in common is that we believed things that were not true about ourselves. I used to bully myself every day with my negative self-talk. I didn't realize that the reason it was there is because I had been told those things as a child and believed them. They were stuck in my subconscious mind and I didn't know how to get them out.

My adult life has been a quest to shake free of the beliefs I had been programmed with, specifically that I wasn't good enough. I now love myself because I have a soul. I am worthy even though I'm imperfectly perfect. I am a good person, with good intentions, just like you are.

You are not alone. You are not who they said you were. I have good news, that things can be different. You can reprogram your subconscious mind. You are worthy of the love and kindness you show to others.

I chose a new path, different from the role my parents chose for me. I was shunned by my church, most of my friends, and several members of my family. My story does not define me, it has helped me grow. My story has enabled me to empathize with others and to help empower them.

Here are the ABC's so you'll easily be able to remember them in the future:

A - AWARENESS 

Ask yourself "Is this thought true?" or "Who decided this was how it should be?" I learned this from Byron Katie. A lot of our emotional pain comes from believing thoughts that are not true.

"The day you decide you are more interested in being aware of your thoughts, than in the thoughts themselves, THAT is the day you will find your way out." ~ Michael Singer

When I started viewing my thoughts as separate from who I was, it took the shame away that I had been feeling. I am not a bad person if I have bad thoughts. We are not our thoughts or our feelings.

What you hear as a child becomes your inner voice as an adult. This is because our subconscious still feels pain, and so various things in life can trigger that pain and bring it up to the surface.

The first step to feeling better is to be aware of and stop believing negative self-talk. When we stop believing the negative self-talk, we also stop believing the hurtful things others say. We don't need other's approval if we approve of ourselves.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent ~ Eleanor Roosevelt 

We already talk to ourselves, so why not start to re-parent ourselves and tell ourselves the truth, that we are doing the best we can. Journaling is a great way to start the awareness process. Become curious, don't fight the thoughts, challenge them instead. What we resist, persists. Most people are very clear on what they don't want but have not given much thought to what they DO want.

We also need to be aware of manipulative, narcissistic behavior (such as gaslighting) and how it tricks you into thinking you're bad and you don't have options. There are many books and articles on this subject.

B - BOUNDARIES 

Brene Brown's definition for Boundaries is: "Here's what's okay for me, and what's not okay" Boundaries are not division, they are respect. Boundaries are essential for happiness and healthy relationships.

Picture your life as a piece of land with a fence. You cut your own grass, and your neighbors cut their own grass. There is a gate between, but you decide when someone is invited over and when they need to go back to their place. There is a boundary between you and them, that you put there and it is very emotionally healthy to do so.

I needed to learn boundaries as an adult because I hadn't learned to set them when I was growing up, because I thought it was okay to be controlled and being a doormat, walked all over. It wasn't okay. We deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

"If you look at other's behavior as a reflection of their relationship with themselves, rather than a statement of your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all" ~ Yogi Bhajan

Relationships of every kind are only successful when there are boundaries. I'm so glad I finally transitioned out of Codependency (which is the result of Narcissistic abuse.) I now choose Connection instead of Attachment because I don't need other's energy or attention to feel good about myself.

What do boundaries look like? Asking for what you want. That it's okay to say no. Giving yourself permission. You are allowed to be who you want to be. Design your life. Choose you. You can't help anyone until you first meet your own needs.

Nobody can manipulate you unless you need something from them, usually it's their approval or acceptance. Religious abuse takes place when people use God to control others and promote their own agenda.

You can take back your power by finding it deep within (I know it is there) and giving yourself permission to live your own life.

Life shifted for me when I realized that my happiness is my responsibility, and other's happiness is their responsibility.

C - COMPASSION 

Show compassion towards yourself. Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can. I found it helpful to re-parent myself, and comfort my inner child when negative emotions came up. Responding to my questions and thoughts as I would respond to an innocent child.

"To let go does not mean to get rid of, to let go means to let be. When we let be, with compassion, things come and go on their own" ~ Jack Kornfield

I had complicated grief when my family members shunned me for the freedom that I stood for, 2 of my siblings died within a few months from each other, I didn't get to say good-bye. I clung to the quote above during that time. To make peace with what was, letting go of wishing things could have been different. Forgiving myself for not knowing what to do. Recognizing that their pain and programming caused them to behave the way they did.

The behavior of the authority figures I had growing up, was not okay. I realized that it was also not okay to let what they did or said, affect me for the rest of my life. Forgiveness is ongoing, because we can't erase the past. I have found, however that we can reframe the past, making us not get triggered by it.

HOW I CAN HELP

The best way I've found to reverse the affects of narcissistic brainwashing, is to take my life back through Hypnotherapy. It helped me to reprogram my mind with truth and to let go of guilt, anxiety, sadness and anger.

In a way it was like I was hypnotized by my pastor, cult leader and my parents. Actually, every person is hypnotized every day by one thing or another. After I discovered Hypnotherapy could help me reverse those beliefs, I dedicated all of my energy to learning how to help others do the same.

Negative emotions need to be released and Hypnotherapy is a safe and comfortable way to do that. Stuffing the feelings back down results in health issues and depression.

Warning - if you hang out with me, I'll brainwash you into feeling good about yourself.
I believe in freedom. People who are controlling are afraid of that. That's why I was shunned in the past. I'm sure it will be that way in the future. I am so happy to finally realize why I was shunned. I can think of nothing better to be remembered by, for choosing and promoting freedom and love.

I have helped many people shift limiting beliefs and feel better emotionally using Hypnotherapy. Nothing gives me more happiness than empowering someone to break free from their past! My clients report that the panic or the dark cloud of emotion is gone when they remember a traumatic past event and feels like the weight of the world has rolled off their shoulders.

Hypnotherapy allows people to reframe their past comfortably and safely, without getting upset. It's unlike talk therapy because you don't have to tell me anything about past traumatic events, your healing comes from you within your own mind. I'm just the guide with vague suggestions to facilitate. You only view the past from a disassociated view so the emotion isn't attached.

Email me to book a free video call consultation to learn more and to see if we are a good fit to work together.

mindfulregeneration@gmail.com
www.mindfulregeneration.com

Saturday, 9 June 2018

I am on the Spectrum (High Functioning Autism or Aspergers)

I just got home from an social event. I feel quite overwhelmed with the experience and am processing all of the conversations I had. I tear up just a bit as I tell myself that I'm going to be okay. I am proud of myself for being brave. I'm grateful for the conversations I was able to have with people.

I feel different than most people. I feel misunderstood often. Being Atypical in a Neurotypical world isn't always easy. I almost always have a fidget in my hands, either a little piece of paper that I fold every which way, or some silly putty. It calms me when I feel overwhelmed, which is often. Another way of explaining how I'm different is by saying that I have Sensory and Anxiety issues.

At first I didn't know anyone at the event we attended, except for my boyfriend and his kids (it was a birthday party for a friend of theirs) I felt like running for the door or the car but opted for the bathroom so I could do my breathing exercise to calm down.

My boyfriend is also on the spectrum but girls have different traits than guys do. I appreciate him for wanting to help me get out of my comfort zone and meet new people, or just see the facts, that my social anxiety thoughts are irrational. (What I think that people are thinking of me)

He tells me to breathe, he stays by my side. We landed up eating our snacks in the corner, playing some pool and eventually a couple came to the party that I knew so we decided to go visit with them. We ended up having a lovely conversation on the topic of Aspergers as they have a few members of their family on the spectrum also. I loved how they were doing their best to understand and help each other.

I wish that more people would understand us and that is why I'm writing on this topic. There is a lot to be said about it. My favorite book about Aspergers is called Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. It was one of the best days of my life reading that book because I finally felt understood and normal.

There is nothing wrong with me. I am gifted in Empathy and that is a beautiful gift. I don't need to have all the skills that others have. Nobody is good at everything. I can still do all the things that Neurotypical people do, it just requires bravery and coping mechanisms. This is also a gift, to be able to help others cope and to be brave enough to do something unconventional with my life. I am a Hypnotherapist.

2 of my children are on the Autism spectrum. I wish the term Aspergers was still recognized by the medical community instead of lumping everyone in together (the high functioning with the non-verbal) They are differently gifted, kind and complete in their own way. They have homeschooled for at least half of their school years.

Humans are not cookie-cutter. I wish all school leadership could recognize that. Some do. Kids are not stupid if they have a different way of learning, a different way they see life. It hurts my heart to see kids being treated as if they are trying to do something wrong, when they are actually trying their best and are just misunderstood. The Montessori Method of education is the best I have found for teaching children and teens who have Aspergers.

There is a visual that portrays how various schools treat kids who are on the spectrum. Perhaps it will do a better job explaining than my mere words could do. I wish all humans could just be a bit more understanding and give others (especially kids) the benefit of the doubt and be more flexible in how they learn.


Monday, 29 January 2018

Appreciation vs. Expectation (Written version of my Speech)

One of the best Life Lessons I learned was from Comedian Kyle Cease. He's been a Comedian for over 20 years but the past few years he's switched to Personal Development events instead.

What makes Kyle different than other speakers, is that all of his content on stage is spontaneous instead of planned out. His goal is to help others let go of their old story so they can use their gifts to their full potential.

Kyle randomly chooses people from the audience who raise their hand, and they come up on stage and do a mini therapy-type session with him.

At one point in the event "Evolving Out Loud" Kyle asked a few people to line up on either side of the auditorium. On his left were people that wanted to share something or ask a question, but it would be okay with them if they didn't get a turn.

Then he asked a few people to line up on the right side aisle. People who were desperate to talk with him and it would be the end of the world if they did not get a turn.

The difference in energy from the different sides just blew my mind!

Kyle started with the first person to his left, on the appreciation side. The man had something nice to say about what was talked about earlier that day and made everyone smile and feel good.

Then Kyle walked over to his right, and the lady was upset with him because she had traveled there and spent money and she still was not feeling any better. She was expecting of him the impossible and he felt like he was in trouble. They talked it through and eventually she started to shift her mindset to a different possibility, that she was responsible for her own happiness and that her breakthrough would come in a different way then she expected.

After that was the other side's turn, he walked all the way over to that side and was greeted with a grateful hug and a lady who said that she was there to hold space for others and that she had gotten so much already out of the event but applying the lessons other people were getting on stage, to her own life.

Last but not least he made his way over to the expectations side and was taken aback by a lady seemed angry at the world for injustice, and she was explaining about the cause she was fighting for. Her energy actually pushed Kyle backwards, I'll never forget as he backed up away from her because it seemed a scary place to be.

He explained to her how loving the world, works far better than fighting the world and that an energy of love would invite others to co-create with her to make change in the world, instead of scaring people away by her anger and negativity.

I learned that the energy I was giving off when I was desperate for others to love me or make me happy or insisting that I would be the one to make them happy, was actually repelling them. When I interacted with my teens I especially noticed it. My fearful energy made them want to hide in their rooms, but the energy of appreciation and being okay with whatever transpired, made them feel more open with me.

Now I often ask myself, what kind of energy am I'm bringing to the table? Am I only inviting those who want to join me in focusing on what was wrong? I'm not perfect but I'm becoming more aware. 


The life lesson here was for me to be responsible for my own happiness and not have my happiness depend on what others do or say, and to make sure I am bringing the energy of appreciation to my relationships instead of expectation.

Sunday, 21 January 2018

Rising in Love vs. Falling in Love (Written in 2016)

People have been trying to figure out love and relationships since the beginning of time. I don’t expect or claim to have it all figured out but I am trying to process my journey through writing. I understand that love is one of life’s great mysteries, but I really need to get to the bottom of my daddy issues if I’m going to break through the codependent tendencies that I have.

I'm pretty sure, at least I'm trying to convince myself, that I never want to fall in love again. Not because it hurts but because it means to lose my footing, to not stand on my own two feet, to always need a hand. It doesn’t allow me to live fully because of the dependency. It creates expectations, misunderstandings and has an inevitable end.

Maybe in a way, relationships do help reveal my issues, it seems a different side of myself comes out with each person I connect with. It’s like I recognize myself in others. The concept of mirrors in relationships fascinate me. I like the picture in my mind of the mirror because it shows how we are separate and not one with another person. Mirrors show us the good and bad about ourselves, it also helps me not internalize criticism because that is just another's mirror. Seeing others as friends instead of someone to have expectations of, has opened up a whole new world.

I can handle the hurt, the reason I don’t want to fall in love again is because it doesn’t work for me. I am a free spirit, an open person. I don’t follow society’s rules. I admit to being wrong a lot in the past but being wrong is an important step in the process of finding answers. I simply can’t stay unconscious. My kids depend on me to be aware enough to connect instead of attach.

As a codependent, the lines have been easily blurred when someone meets a need that I had or especially when I meet another's need and they love me for it. It makes me feel good to be needed and that has been my definition of love towards my kids and towards romantic interests, but it no longer is. I’m tired of not having a say in my life and living under the burden of having to appear perfect.

It easier to be lazy and to give up the responsibility of meeting my own needs. I've pretty much been giving away my power and deceiving myself, that happiness was something that only someone else could give me. I'm learning that the fear of abandonment has no power when self-care takes priority. Doing what others want so that they'll love me is ridiculous.

I want to rise in love instead of fall in love.

Consciously love, being aware that I am always responsible to meet my own needs and that self-care comes first, before reaching out to heal or connect with others.

Rising in love to meet my kids without running from my childhood triggers, to love them in a real way with boundaries so that the time spent is quality, instead of detached emotionally. Not depending on my kids to fulfill my emotional needs or to live the childhood I wish I had. To let them learn through mistakes instead of being so over-protective and letting my fears hold them back.

I don’t want pass fear on from one generation to the next. I will not only stand against the current pushing me so strongly, but I will swim against the current. The only way to live and learn is to be allowed the freedom to make mistakes. Until now I never had that freedom. It was stolen from me and I just kept on going with the current. Conscious love is the highest healing frequency of all.

Putting all my eggs in one basket is not the way I want to live anymore, not only is it impossible for one person to meet all my needs, but each person I connect with teaches me something different. Nobody else shares all the same interests I do, so if I learn something and want to share it, there is usually a particular person that comes to mind. In addition to that, becoming my own best friend means that I don't have to share every little thing with another person so that I would be special to someone, or they would be my rock, I can keep some things to myself.

I am choosing to take the responsibility to heal myself instead of looking to others for healing. I still believe that addiction is the lack of connection and I seem to have taken that a step further by making connection my addiction to escape dealing with my childhood emotional issues. I'm redirecting that focus by spending time with and getting to know my own soul so that I can cultivate healthy relationships with my family and friends.

This shift is a drastic change from looking for "the one" who would meet all my needs or even looking at all. It is a focus on making myself so happy that I vibrate on a level that attracts others who are also emotionally healthy. I am here to love others with an open hand, they are free to come and go in my life on their journey and I wish them well when they move on.

The secret of attraction is to love yourself ~ Deepak Chopra

I had my list of what I was looking for in a relationship and my list hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is who I am expecting to meet those needs. I am now fully aware that it is my job to take care of myself by nurturing, comforting, supporting, validating, accepting, desiring and discovering who I am. I can always feel safe and cared for, even when I feel alone.

From now on I choose friendship instead of falling in love. That elusive high is not worth feeling like crap when I'm not in love. Not only is it a half-life, but it is only a temporary fix. I want to always be living fully.

Friendship is sharing my soul in the moment with another instead of giving them my soul and asking them to take care of it. Rising in love is strong and holds space for others because it withholds criticism. I want others to feel free to share what's really there, instead of being afraid of judgement or feeling like they have to be perfect.

I want to give my kids the gift of not having to be perfect, to be real instead of fake. I want them to know that tears are okay, and that being vulnerable is the highest form of strength. I hope they learn to not fight against the negative but to sit with it to learn what it has to teach.

Becoming aware that the reason that I try so hard to make others happy, is because I was raised that my survival depended on it. To not make my Dad happy resulted in physical pain, I was trained like a dog. Awareness is the only thing that is allowing my brain to be reprogrammed.

Noticing my reactions and labeling them, telling myself the truth in those situations, calms my anxiety. I am not my thoughts or my feelings, I am awareness, my soul has endless love and wisdom. Asking myself what do I want in situations instead of being a pushover is slowly allowing me to get to know myself. I'm connecting more to my soul by establishing personal boundaries.

Instead of surviving each day I am creating my life, attracting what I imagine and feel and reclaiming the power that was stolen from me and the power I've been to giving others ever since.

Being myself instead of a chameleon, opens up a whole new world of possibilities. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is REAL and not afraid to lose another person. From now on I will let others be disappointed in me and let them be responsible for their own happiness. That is not my burden to bear anymore.

I want to enjoy the time others choose to spend with me instead of chasing attention or running from triggers. My security comes from within. I don't want to limit who I can love. Yes boundaries are essential with who I Choose to interact with, I can still love though, even if either of us has chosen to move on. For example, I wish my Dad well on his journey, even though I am not in his life. I used to have high expectations of him but now I See him from a place of compassion. He is not me, he is not my identity, I don't need his love in order to love myself.

Communicating needs is saying "this is me" as opposed to being needy and saying "you are me" That is the main place that "falling" in love was tripping me up. We are not half that needs a better half. Love is not a limited resource, it is abundant. Exclusivity does not create value, appreciation does.

My kids are not me either, they have their own path to walk, their own interests and their own way of seeing and interacting with people. I want to appreciate each person that the universe brings across my path, they are someone to share and connect with, a mirror and a teacher.

The difference between friends and more than friends is sharing instead of attaching. Attaching is having unrealistic expectations and thinking that love means to be needed or to need another. Sharing means I am already complete on my own and my self-love overflows to others. This also can be applied to my kids. Attaching to them by projecting my fears or imposing my desires is not healthy.

My Dad wanted to own me, I was only good enough if I met his expectations. If I continue on the path of always trying to measure up and earn the love of another, then I'll be stuck in my childhood forever.

Owning is not love. I never want to own or be owned again, and that is why I choose to never fall in love again. Society's definition of love is not my definition of love. I believe that love is acceptance and freedom.

Yes, humans crave connection but I can get connection in healthier ways than focusing so hard to be good enough to love. I am already worthy and I don't need another's love. I choose to connect to my soul and love myself every day, that is my top priority and everything I need will be attracted into my life by the vibrations that I manifest.

Yes, the heart does want what it wants, but that does not mean I have to give my power away to another. They say you can't choose who you love, you just love. That's true and there's nothing wrong with love. There is however, something wrong with placing the responsibility of loving me, in another's hands. That job is mine and mine alone. If others love me, that's great - but I don't need them to love me, and they can move on whenever they choose with my full blessing.

I don’t need my kids to love me either. I can say no and still be a kind person. We all deserve to have a turn getting our way. I feel like I’m in the process of breaking the spell of obedience on the movie Ella Enchanted, where she has to do everything that everyone asks her to do.

I am here to give love to everyone and to share connection (not attach) with those who have built trust by treating me with kindness. Boundaries in relationships are the most important thing.

"Boundaries are not division, they are respect.
It is, here is what is okay for me, and here is what's not" ~ Brene Brown.

“Boundaries are necessary for a successful relationship. Most relationships are aborted in the boundary-defining stage. Not because people demanded what they needed. But because they didn’t, then got resentful about it” ~ Karen Marie Moning

Abandonment and being misunderstood are no longer my biggest fears because I realize that I'm the only one who will ever understand me and am now aware that to fear loss, drains my power. I've figured out what makes me happy to be alive, apart from someone else's love and attention.

For so long I've been afraid to face my issues, the pain of my past turned me inward, distracting myself with other's lives. I refuse to say asleep, living in denial, trying to numb the pain. By feeling compassion for my parents, and comforting my inner child through the triggers I face daily,

I WILL RISE.

I am not defective. I am a deep soul, leading the way with a torch in hand, creating a path so others can find a way to joy. I will face my demons alone, so I can figure things out, find my strength, learn who I am, find freedom, become more assertive and have the time to reflect. I am shedding my skin, releasing the person I thought I was.

I want to greet my kids with joy when they walk into the room because that is what is vibrating out from my heart, not with criticism because I haven't silenced my own inner critic. I see how self-love is essential to being a good mother and friend.

Genuine friendship is authentic with no agenda, all delusion is gone. No more projecting my desires onto another person. Time to see and appreciate others for who they are, not who they are to me. I am a recovering codependent who has become aware. I realize this is all easier said than done but being aware what is happening is step one.

Relationships don't need a time frame or a label, all we have is this moment, even though some moments are so great that we wish they could last forever. The only constant in life is that everything changes. Raising children is a constant process of letting go, helping them learn to be a caretaker and provider.

Of course there are emotions in relationships but another person cannot be our salvation. The key is enjoying the moment and accepting that the feeling cannot be bottled up. Relationships are like plants that need water or they'll die, there are many flowers in the garden though, so just because one died because another didn't water it, doesn't mean that there won't be another equally beautiful flower waiting to bloom. We are the not the plant, our survival does not depend on which one blooms or dies. It may just not be the right time for a particular flower to bloom.

The highest form of love is friendship, it is loving with an open hand. If I want water in my hand, and I close my fist tight over it, all the water is drained out, but if I keep my hand cupped open, it allows the water to remain. That is how relationships are stifled, by wanting to possess another. Love and energy needs to have freedom to flow, to try and contain it has the opposite result.

I am a vast ocean, not limited to these waves, allowing all of life's positive and negative energies to surge through me so I'm not at war with half of life. Finding peace through awareness and acceptance. Be and let others be with no blame. Looking for the good and feeling appreciation, knowing it is reflected back.

Conscious breathing is my anchor.

What I wrote 1 year after my brother Nate died (Written May 2017)

So many tears especially these last few weeks... one cannot compare grief, we all feel it deeply even if we put on a smile for others or distract ourselves between being hit with grief again. They say the only way to heal is to feel, and grief is the price we pay for love.

I hear both Aline and Nate through various ways, thoughts of comfort, specific messages in dreams, songs, flickering lights or electronics, and seeing repeated numbers, that they're okay and are still a part of my life and I'm not alone because they are my guardian angel.

Aline channeled her energy through various animals like the snowy owl, a butterfly and a kitten, Nate likes putting certain things with his name across my path, usually with a song so I know for sure, overheard conversations with Aline's name, telepathic conversations with Nate in my mind, countless synchronicities I wish I'd written down but I can't remember them now because they were for that moment.

Their soul and love lives on and they will always be a part of my life, they always comfort me when I'm sad and make me laugh when I'm having a good day. I feel them around, not constantly but often.

I was at an event recently where Wilma Derkson was speaking, she is the mother of Candice who was murdered as a teen in Winnipeg years ago. She had so many insights about how to deal with grief, I've read her book, and I took some notes:

When you get stuck, see a psychologist or grief counselor.

Grief is like a river and visualize little boats of forgiveness and compassion.

Art is very important to some whether it's through making sculptures or colouring mandalas, it's a way to process.

There is always blame, guilt and truth confusion, usually we don't do blame well, often blaming someone close to us or ourselves instead of realizing the responsibility is not ours, even though it's natural to think would, could or should.

We get angry or resist at least 14x per day, we must forgive ourselves and others each time to find inner peace, visualizing little paper boats, acceptance of what is transforms us from victim to survivor.

Have a conversation with yourself, either aloud or on paper, question your thoughts if they're true, often we convince ourselves of things not true.